Rosehill Primary School


Rosehill Primary Winning PoemsWinning Children’s poems by

Rosehill Primary School

I went on a walk to the library with the children from year 3, and we used our senses to observe things around us as we walked.  It was a fabulous autumn day, very inspiring for writing poetry, and we came up with lots of fantastic phrases to use in our poems.  The following are a couple of the winning senses poems:

 

The WalkWhen I went for a walk to the library, this is what I saw……Busy cars zooming by,
Super fluffy clouds in the skyWhen I went for a walk to the library
this is what I could hear…..
Whistling, zooming wind
behind my freezing ears.

Tyler Atkinson
Aged 8
Class 3DH 

You have painted such a good picture of the occasion with the adjectives that you have used here Tyler, that we can even tell what the weather was like.  (Freezing ears, zooming whistling wind, and fluffy clouds).
I love the mixture of the busy, chaotic scene on the ground and the gentle calmness of the fluffy clouds.  WELL DONE Tyler for saying so much in so few words: it’s quite a skill.
I love the detail that you have put into so few words here Kyle, using adjectives so well, and alliteration too! (bright blue).  Your description of the sky and sun is so accurate it brings back the memory for me, and your rhyming words fit the picture really well; they are not just rhymes for the sake of it.  It may be a short poem (2 rhyming lines is called a rhyming couplet), but you have used some good poetic techniques in it.WELL DONE KYLE!

The Walk

I went for a walk to the library, this is what I saw:

I saw a zooming plane in the bright blue sky
With the shiny sun very high.

 

 

Kyle Sherwin
Aged 8
Class 3DH

 

 

In the meantime, the following poems are the result of the free choice competition which I opened up to the full school, and these are the ones that I found especially impressive, although, as always I had a really hard time judging.

Donna NookSeal, she lay on the sandy beach.
Seal, she’s safe and out of reach.
Seal, she’s ready to have her pup.
Seal, she loves her fluffy pup.Seal, her coat is soft and snug.
Seal, she gives her pup a hug.
Seal, she shares her delicious milk.
Seal, her pup is smooth as silk.Seal, she returns to the salty sea
She, she’s hungry as can be!
 


By Max Ellis
Aged 8
Class 3 DH

 Max, this is a really unique style, starting every line with “Seal, she” and it gives a great emphasis on the subject with some beautiful descriptions.  You’ve used similes (as smooth as silk), and alliteration (she shares, smooth as silk, salty sea etc) as well as lots of great adjectives and detail.  It’s not easy to make a list poem sound interesting but you definitely have, and have even managed to do it with rhyme AND rhythm.  Fantastic achievement.

WELL DONE MAX!
I’m very impressed Mailu that you have used the inspiration of the Topsy Turvy World poem, and put a different slant on it.  I love the way that you have taken us through your whole thought process and then have come to a conclusion.  I automatically found myself stopping and imagining what it would be like, which is what a good poet should make the reader do!  It’s also a good piece of rhyme and rhythm as it’s not easy to keep both up throughout such a long poem.WELL DONE MAILU!
ps. The next challenge for you is to start editing your poems and looking for ways where the rhythm could be improved by using alternative words and phrases.  Click here to go to my BEGINNER’S PAGE on and editing rhythm poetry.		 If There Was Only SeaToday I thought how it would be
If instead of land there was only sea.We wouldn’t need a car, instead we’d need a boat
Or a raft made of wood, or something that could float.Maybe we’d have flippers attached onto our feet,
We’d swim our way to school: Oh wouldn’t that be neat!

We could float around our bedroom on a bed blown up with air
We would wear trunks and bikinis, instead of underwear.

Maybe instead of swimming, our treat would then be walking
Standing on hard ground, meeting friends and talking.

I hope it would be summer always, and the water wasn’t cold
I don’t really fancy shivering, especially when I’m old.

I think it would be scary at night when it is dark,
And would we find our way for a place to park?

I’m not so sure I’d love to spend my time always wet
Skin all white and wrinkly, and possibly slimy I bet.

So after much consideration, I think we all agree
Thank goodness for land – instead of only sea!!

 

By Mailu Durant
Age 10
Class Y6E

My Family

I have to write a poem,
But I really don’t know how,
So maybe I will start with
Something dumb right now.

I don’t know what to write about.
Have you any ideas?
I know, I think I’ve got one;
My Dad has big ears!

What shall I write about next?
Oh yes, my brother is such a mess
He never tidies his room
Or even gets dressed.
Oh, why is he such a pest?

I am quite tall
My brother too.
At least we don’t always need the loo!

My brother thinks he is cool
But really he is a fool.
He prances round like he knows it all
While I am shopping at Meadowhall.

 

 

By Astrid-Nicole Heath
Aged 11
Class Y6JL

 Astrid, have you by any chance read my “Uninspired” poem?! I love this type of conversational poem; when I read it I really feel like you are just chatting to me! All writers go through times of ‘writer’s block’ where they can’t think of what to write, and this is a really fun way to solve the problem; a whole list of random, nonsense thoughts! I reckon you owe your brother for inspiring you so wonderfully!WELL DONE ASTRID!

 

Alistair, this is a great list of animal ideas, and I love the way you brought an amusing punch-line in to it.  These brothers are very useful to have as inspiration!
You’ve done really well to keep the rhyming pattern and the rhythm all the way through such a long poem.
WELL DONE ALISTAIR!
ps. just as with Mailu I would suggest that you see if you could learn more about rhythm as you obviously have a natural flair for it, so you could take yourself to the next level by thinking about how to edit and redraft your poems to improve the rhythm in places.  For more teaching on rhythm poetry, click here.		 My PetsI have a dog that bites like mad
But I have to forgive her cause her eyes are sad.
My little cat that sleeps on a mat
Always tired after chasing a rat.I have a hamster that’s a raving looney
There’s two of them so they don’t get lonely.
I have a monkey that likes blowing bubbles
That jumps up and down when I give it cuddlesI have a spider that’s frightening and creepy
It comes on the ceiling when I am sleepy.
I have a snail that’s as quite as a mouse
I have a mouse that runs all over the house.

And the last ones I have are my brothers
They’re not pets like the others.
They’re terrible monsters that lurk everywhere
That sometimes play tricks that are so unfair.

So there you are…these are my pets.
And guess where I’m taking them….
Off to the vets!

By Alistair Ashbridge
Aged 10
Class 6JL

RappingRapping on the window
Rapping on the door
Wrapping up the presents
Wrapping paper on the floorWrapping up in winter
Wrapping up a game
Wrapping round a chocolate
That is wrapping that’s a painBut rapping on the radio
And rapping on the street
Is rapping with an attitude
And rapping that is neat!

By Sasha Swain
Aged 10
Class Y5M

 Sasha, this is brilliant!  What a clever play on words for this fabulous rap.  You have achieved excellent rhythm and rhyme and, more importantly, every rhyme is appropriate to the ‘story’ of the poem.  You are a born poet……keep it up.
WELL DONE SASHA!ps. If you are looking for the next challenge, you could learn about different rhythms and  poem forms and try experimenting.  You definitely have a natural aptitude for rhythmic, rhyming poetry, so the more you practice, the more you’ll progress with poetry in general.  That’s all I did.  Email me if you need any help. 
Ben, this is fantastic: a whole collection of poetic techniques.  I love the way you have expanded something so simple as a colour into a wealth of imaginative imagery…bringing out the detail is a real skill.
Well done for using so many adjectives to paint a picture; the red of the tulip against the ‘golden, summer meadow’ sets the scene beautifully, and then following it with danger and the baboon’s bottom is genius! (Not to mention good use of alliteration).
Even your choice of adjectives with ‘shimmering, glimmering’ is clever and has a lovely bounce because of the rhyme.
You’ve even used personification in the autumn leaf’s ‘family’, and metaphors and similes ( It is a tomatoes, as red as….)
You’ve probably got the picture by now Ben…..you have a gift for writing poetry, but all of these techniques are great for any other aspect of literacy: keep writing!    WELL DONE BEN!!		 RedRed is the colour of a tulip sitting in a golden summer meadow.
It is a comet shooting across the midnight sky.
It is the colour of danger meeting it’s doom.
It is a tomato as red as a baboon’s bottom.Red is the colour of the sunset setting beyond
The shimmering, glimmering, silver volcanoes.
It’s an autumn leaf slowly dropping down away from it’s family.
It is the colour of flames rising into the sky.
 

By Ben Sanderson
Aged 10
Class Y5M
RabbitsRabbits have funny little habits.They nibble their food
But they’re not being rude.
They like a juicy carrot
But they’re not like a parrot.
They nibble their kibble
But they don’t dribble.They hop
But they’re not allowed fizzy pop:
It’s too fizzy
It will make them dizzy.
They’re hairy
But not scary
They’re fluffy
But not scruffy. 

By Chloe Tate
Aged 10
Class 5GH

 This has a lovely bounce to it Chloe and the element of nonsense in the second verse makes it really good fun.  I love the opening line, and think that you could even take that further by making it a refrain that you use between verses and at the end of the poem.You clearly like rhyme as much as me, so keep practising . Anything that you write will help to make the technique become more automatic as you practice.  You might find that a junior rhyming dictionary will inspire ideas of things to write too (I started with the Blacks rhyming and spelling dictionary’ and just wrote nonsense poems and limericks for fun)WELL DONE CHLOE!   Keep writing.
 

 
What can I say Lauren….truly gross!  It might not be everyone’s cup of tea (certainly not Grandad’s!) but you have got a lot of techniques in this short, but disgusting, poem.  The most obvious one is the story: you can’t fail but get a reaction with that punch-line!
Maybe you could take it even further and use one of the verses as a refrain (like the chorus in a song) to carry the story on (I can’t believe I’m giving advice on a bogey poem!) On the other hand, short (and definitely not sweet) is very effective.
You’ve also got good rhyme and rhythm included.  Another technique that you could use would be expression, particularly with a subject like this, so you could maybe include some “Look out!” “Please, no!” kind of phrases.Keep writing LAUREN. WELL DONE!
(I think you’d be good at alternative nursery rhymes; why not have a try?)		 BogeysMy nose looks snotty, I might just pick it.
My bogey looks juicy, I might just lick it,
On the other hand, I’ll flick it…….Bogey’s bogeys on the wall
In Grandad’s tea they might just fall! 

By Lauren Fellows
Aged 10
Class 5GH

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